Always after me. Always after me. Always. After me. After me. After me. Always after me, Lucky Charms. I am a leprechaun. A very famous leprechaun. I'm on the run because, as I said, they're after me. Always after me.
They're watching me. Always watching. Watching. I know they are watching. Were they not watching, I could vanish. Leprechauns can do that. They can vanish. But not with someone watching. Like a dog having a shite, not with someone watching. Once they fix an eye on me, I'm bloody well fooked.
So I run. I run. Always after me. I run. Always in the light. Always where they can't make their move. Who are they? Who the fook are they?
I am the pitchman for a breakfast cereal that bears me name. For fifty years, me job has been to point to a gigantic bowl of cereal to convince children that this cereal, which tastes like the box it came in, is something special. I've sold billions of boxes of this shite, making me richer than Bill Gates and the Pope sewn together and dipped in gold. I got it honest - nothing to hide and nothing to prove. I've no reason to lie when I tell you that someone is out to kill me. They are. Always after me.
I was doing commercial number 200 or so, pointing to the gigantic bowl and saying me famous line, "Always after me Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious." Well, this young wanka director wants me to go method with it. Strasburg. So I dick around with the line, twisting every read until me head hurt.
"Always after me Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious!"
"Always, after me Lucky Charms they're; magically delicious."
"Always after? Me: Lucky Charms? They're magically, delicious."
I even went Shatner. "Always! After me! Lucky Charms! They're magicallydelicious."
After two hours of this, I was losing me will to live. After five hours, I was losing me will for the director to live. But I'm no blaggard, and kept a-goin' til at last I sais:
"Always after ME, Lucky Charms. They're 'Magically Delicious'."
Mr. DeMille shouts, "PERFECT! CUT! PRINT! WRAP!"
"Well," I thought to meself, aloud, "What a fine piece of shite that's going to be -'always after me, they are' - like there's a fookin' price on me head. He's turned it all bloody arseways, the stupid git."
I no more spit out those words when a big fookin' flood light dropped from the catwalk and crashed at me lucky feet. Some clever arse scrawled "Magically Delicious" on the side. Having me on, the fook.
I grabbed me shellailie, went a-hunting for that fookhead director. Cave his fookin' skull in for him. Cave his fookin' skull. Magically delicious. There goes the stupid fook, rolling up in his Porsche. He sees me and rolls down his window. Sais "Careful, little fella. Kelloggs would shit if they saw what happened." He hit the gas and surged off.
I chucked me shellali at his car. "I dunna work for Kelloggs, ya stupid twat!" Missed.
I called me agent, Sue, an old pro in the flake trade. She was a cereal star as a lass, one of the Cheerios Kids. Her partner, Kid, died on a commercial shoot. Freak accident. The cereal was supposed to burst out of the giant bowl. "Pow, pow, powerful good!" was his line. The pyrotechnics genius rigged the charge too strong, so all Kid got out was "Pow, pow -" before his fookin' head was blown off. Poor buggah. Kim was showered with Cheerios and brains.
The news of my close call had Kim flipping out. "Don't move. I'm coming to get you. If this is a joke, I'll.....don't move."
Always after me. Always. I thought about some of me other unlucky mates. Sugar Pops Pete, shot in the head with his sugar gun, ruled a suicide. Quake, mine explosion. Tusk the Cocoa Krispies Elephant - electrocuted, cocoa tusks poached. The Freakies - all of them - dead; a Jonestown-style mass suicide. King Vitaman, heart exploded taking a shite on the royal throne. Was somebody after them?
Fook waiting! I got so freaked that I just started running. They're after me. They're after me. Fooking hell, they're after me. I got just beyond the studio gate and here comes Sue. Car swerving, swiping parked cars, then after me. Fooking after me! I hit the deck, car passes over me and smashes into the guard shack.
Sue. I can't believe it. You fooking twat! I ran to the car and I swear to Christ, it was chockablock with Cheerios. I yanked the door and out pours a wave of Honey Nut 'Ohs and milk. Knocked me on me arse. I got up and there's Sue in the driver's seat, dead. Drowned in her own car.
Me cel rang. Caller ID - Sue. I pick up, "Look ye fooking shite-"
A man sais "Von's Market. Pass Ave. Cereal aisle. Midnight."
"Who the fook are you?"
"We're magically delicious." Click.
They're after me. Always after me, Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious. People crowded around the scene, any one of them could be Magically Delicious. A woman screamed. Sirens making their way. I had to get the fook out of there. I pulled me dear Sue from her car and jumped in. Tore up in reverse, no time to turn the fook around. Hit a fooking cat. Sorry puss, they're after me. Maybe they were after you too, and used me to get you. Fook, I'm gone crackers.
I stopped at Big Boy's fer a milkshake, what the fook. Might be me last. I dunna mean Big Boy's diner, I mean his flat. Lives in the Hollywood Hills with Snap, from Rice Krispies. Pooftahs, but stand up blokes. Makes a shake worth dying fer.
Doing reverse up the Hollywood Hills. Hitting every rubbish bin up the block. Trash tomorrow? Can't see fer fook, making a big fooking mess in me wake. Big Boy's flat. Drove into the red and white checked garage door.
Out come Big Boy and Snap in matching red and white checked robes. Snap sees its me broke his door and throws a wobbly. "Shit! Piss! Fuck! Lucky, how fucking drunk are you?"
I run fer the door. Big Boy blocks the doorway. "Not a good time, Lucky. Really."
"I need a shake." I sais. Shoved the fat poof aside, and ducked in. Not a good time. No. Go in the living room. Nice roaring fire, stoked by the Burger King. Only wearing a cape. Have it your way. Not a good time. Not now. Can't stay here.
Big Boy strolls past, to the kitchen. "It'll have to be a 'to go' shake, sweetie."
Snap still outside yelling to no one. "Isn't this Sue's car? Ew, Fuck! It stinks like spoiled milk! What the fuck is this?" He comes in, eyes me over. "You look like shit, Lucky. Are you on something?"
Big Boy hands me a shake. "Seriously, honey, you look like shit. What's going on?"
I was shaking me shake. Couldna hold steady. "Always after me, Lucky Charms."
Snap sais, "Who?"
I sais, "They're Magically Delicious."
The Burger King speaks up. "What!?"
"Magically Delicious. You know em?"
The Burger King grabs his trousers. "We gotta get the fuck out of here. Now."
Snap's hysterical, smacking me on the head. "What? What's going on? Lucky? Fuck! Why did you come here? Goddammit!"
Big Boy comes from the bedroom pulling his bib overalls on, tosses Snap a .35. "Snap. Stay put. Don't let anyone in." We leave Snap screaming there like a bloody faery.
"We'll take my car." The Burger King sais. A fooking Lambourghini. Tears down the hills and we're on the 101 headed north. A two seater, I'm sitting on the Big Boy's lap.
"You've heard of these guys, the Magically Delicious?" I sais.
The Burger King sais, "No, but some similar shit went down with Marky Maypo, the oatmeal kid. Started getting notes and calls, anonymous calls, just like you, only saying "I want my Maypo!" Threats, you know. Twisting his tagline around, using it as a threat. They found him scalded to death in his tub."
Big Boy trembled at the thought. "Just add hot water."
"Instant death." The King sais.
"Clever little fooks." I sais. "But I canna figure as why they're after me."
"I don't know. Maybe just to be clever." The King sais. "Sick fucks."
He pulls into the lot of Big Boy's in Toluca Lake. "Go around back." Big Boy sais. We go down to the basement, into a walk-in fridge. Big Boy rolls back a cart of frozen patties and opens a trunk. Tosses us each a buck knife, a .35, another .35, two shotguns (sawed off) and an arseload of shells. He feels behind a barrel of coleslaw, pulls out a box of grenades. Behind the rice pudding, an uzi.
A guy walks in on us, sais "Hey! What the!" We nearly shite, turn five guns on the night manager, who screams like a girl. He spies the Big Boy, looks gob smacked. "M-M-Mr. Boy?"
"Easy kid." Big Boy says. ""It's okay. These are friends of mine. I was just - We're going on a hunting trip."
"At 11:30 at night?" The kid 's no dummy. Night management material.
"We're hunting nocturnal animals." Big Boy sais.
"Bats" I sais. "We're hunting fooking bats."
"Oh." The kid says. He stands there nodding. "I never heard of bat hunting."
The Big Boy sais, "Anything else, uh..."
"Kevin." He sais, tugging on his name tag. "Is that Lucky Charms?"
"No." Big Boy sais. "Anything else?"
"Is that the Burger King?"
"Cool." night manager Kevin sais and heads upstairs.
"Shoulda shot the stupid fook." I sais.
"That's my night manager you're talking about, Rambo." The Big Boy sais.
"Alright ladies, let's go." The Burger King sais, the manly fook. We load the Lamborghini and the King lays out a plan...
WHO ARE THE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS?
WILL THEY GET LUCKY?
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH.
MEANWHILE, EAT YOUR LUCKY CHARMS!