I must be the luckiest person in the world! Every day, Nigerian Princes, UK Lotteries, and deceased relatives I've never met are all dying to give me their money. And since they were nice enough to choose me out of the hundreds of people online, the least I can do is take the time to write back to them.
In case you were wondering, I reply to my generous donors with my real name, but for anonymity, I post them on my blog under the pseudonym, Scamtastic. To keep it interesting, sometimes I reply as a man, while others I reply as a woman. For the record, I am neither.
Below is a sample reply, but you can read all of my correspondence at the link below. I hope I can help others learn how easy it can be to make millions using your home computer and the power of the Internets. All you need is an email address, a disabled spam filter, and a dream!
Peace and love and shit and kisses,
Subject: From Madam Mary Harley
From Madam Mary Harley
When my late behalf was alive he left huge amount of money which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market. Presently, the investment portfolio is still on April this year. Recently, my doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from, so, I decided to contact you due to time limit.
Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family, and me I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husband's effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially.
It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on. The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husband relatives around me but I will give you telephone number of an attorney that will draft the letter of Introduction and all other legal documents as soon as I hear from you.
I want you to stand as the new beneficiary to the funds. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the firm where the funds are being deposited in Europe.
I will also send you a letter of introduction that will empower you as the new the custodian and beneficiary of this fund. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein.
Please send all emails to my confidential emails below:
And also let me know how soon you will be able to travel to Germany or United Kingdom. Endeavor to send me your names, address, telephone and fax number to enable contact you with more details/all the relevant documents by email/ fax.
Miss Madam Mary Harley,
I apologize that it's taken me so long to get back to you. You didn't say what your time limit was, but hopefully you're still alive. I know after my grandmother had a stroke she had trouble checking her many email addresses, but you seem in good spirits despite your horrific health issues. I myself am a barren-woman, so I would be happy to accept your husband's fortune. While I could try and use some of the money to help find a cure for whatever left me ruined inside, I'll probably just use it to buy myself a down-trodden, orphan baby. That way I'm killing a whole flock of birds with one stone.
My family is the opposite of bourgeois. In fact, my grandfather used to say, "Blessed is the hand that giveth the reach-around." Of course, he was arrested in a man's toilet for trying to give oral treats to an undercover policeman. However, he was later acquitted when it turned out that the officer didn't tell him he was cop, until after he had finished his business down Grandfather's throat. Luckily, Grandpa didn't swallow and spit the evidence in the prosecutor's face, while being cross-examined on the witness stand a week later.
That being said, you don't have to worry about the money being spent on anything ungodly. My late husband was even the Preacher at our church. Our congregation said he handled those poisonous snakes better than anyone they'd ever seen. But then the stupid hospital ended up injecting him with rattlesnake antivenin, when we clearly told them he was bitten by cobras.
Speaking of which, I know you said you're not afraid of death, but maybe you should be. My husband used to say that cancer is God's way of labeling sinners, so you might not want to count your prayers before they hatch. I can't even imagine the things you must've done to warrant a stroke. Either way, your husband's money will be in much better hands, once it's in my hands.
I don't like attorneys, since the one who helped us sue the hospital for malpractice ended up going to Bermuda with all of our winnings. Is there any way that you could empower my son to be a custodian? He could use a good job and likes to clean. I think he has OCD, because he's constantly asking me to clean his sheets. Every morning with the sheets!
While I think you are a nice lady, I don't know if people will want to emulate you, as most of them would prefer to not die of cancer. However, I do promise to act as you have stated herein and I will be prayerful.
I can fly to Germany as soon as you want, as I'm currently dating a pilot who flies for Lufthansa. He's always telling me how nice it is over there, but he also likes when I go number two on his chest, so who knows.
Please contact me with the forms that you need me to fill out, as I would really like your money. I can't stress this enough. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I received your mail. I quite appreciate your readiness, kindness and willingness to assist me accomplish my very last wishes in this world.
I have deliberated on it and agreed to commence with you 100% percent without any reservation.
I assure you that this transaction is risk free and it will not cause us any pains and problem if and only if you act strictly as instructed and let this transaction remain as secret as possible. Before we commence, I will want you to answer the following questions:
1. Will you be able to travel to Hamburg, Germany/London, UK to recieve his funds from the security company and when? Alternatively, can you handle this transaction online banking but you shall bear the related cost or bear the cost of courier.
You have to understand due to the present situation I am now, I will not be able to foot any bill regarding this transaction. So, you shall be reimburse every expenses incured in due course of this transaction. Please answer the questions above so that I can commence this transaction on time. I will send to you all the relevant documents relating to this transaction and the contact details of SECURITY COMPANY.
I cannot use any of my business associates because all my past dealings are being scrutinized by secret agents in a bid to source out our estates and properties. So in the process of this exercise, anyone I’ve had dealings with in the past is being monitored too. I’m presently on a sick bed and the only means of communicating for now is via the internet, so I had to source for help the only way I could, I would rather take chances by involving a total stranger rather than risking it all by using any of my business associates who might be willing to help.
I am presently in India awaiting a magor surgical operation in few days time, so I beg of you to do everything in Godly way for time essence.
Please, you have to keep this transaction very confidential due to the composition of my husband family, I do not want any member of our family to jump on the funds to use it for immaterial things.
You can keep 15% to yourself and distributed the remaining balance of 5Million Pound Sterling to the less privelidge in good faith.
Endeavor to send/ reconfirm your full names, address and telephone number to my attorney and this will enable him refer you for immediate payment.
CONTACT NAMES: WILLIAMS JADOME
You are to contact my attorney with the requested information above and this will enable him prepare a letter of Introduction in your names and send you the certificate of Deposit by email before the major surgical operation. This is very important.
Feel free to ask Mr. Willams any question regarding this transaction.
I await your immediate response.
Dear Miss Madame Mary Harley,
I am so glad that you are still alive! It's been a rough weekend for me. I have spent many a sleepless night wondering how I was going to spend all of your dead husband's money. I'm happy that you have chosen me 100% without any reservation, because I really wanted 100% of the money. I would also mention that in this country we don't write "% percent". It's redundant. % = equals percent. I guess it's possible you could have a weird stutter brought on by the stroke, but I think I squandered enough of your precious time on Earth with this already.
I really appreciate you wanting to keep this secret, as I owe money to many of my friends. Although, they’ll probably think something’s up when they see my new 24k gold ashtrays. I'll just tell them I won the money at church bingo. Have you ever played bingo at a snake handling church? You never know if people are jumping out of their seats for bingo or if they were just bit by a copperhead. It's so frustrating!
Unfortunately, since our last email I broke up with the pilot from Lufthansa. However, the good news is that we broke up because he caught me with a pilot from British Airways. So I will be able to fly into London as soon as I sleep with him three more times. He's got me on sort of a frequent fuckers program where I'm awarded miles based on my performance in bed. Blowjobs are 1,500 miles. Intercourse is 3,000. Anal is 5,000. And a handjob will get me an inflight meal.
I do want to give some of the money to Charity. She's my daughter and very less priveldge. She left home when was she was 15 and has been working the streets for the past few years to make ends meet. To be honest, we haven't had the best relationship. She claims that my boyfriend at the time was molesting her, but she can't prove it. I asked her to show me evidence and besides some minor swelling, she didn't have any. Everyone knows that you're raped, you save the semen! I know she's seen CSI, so it's partially her fault anyway.
As I've said, getting to London will not be a problem, but staying there could be an issue. The pilot I'm dating talked about setting up a system where I could trade my Mile High Miles ™ for nights in a hotel with one of his friends, but the paperwork hasn't gone through yet. So would it be possible for me to stay with you? I know it might be awkward with your family, business associates, and evil secret agents around, but as you can probably tell I'm a good at making people feel at ease. I won't let you down!
I am concerned that you went to India for a major medical surgical operation. In addition to being a snake handler, I'm also a part-time Christian Scientist. I believe that if God wants you to be better, he'll do it himself. Maybe you're just not praying hard enough? Although, don't pray too hard, because I really need that money. In fact, India sounds like a good place for you. I hear the mosquitos over there are friendly and love to give you happy kisses.
I know that you are worried about your husband family using the money for immaterial things. I promise you that I will only use it on material items that exist and that I can personally feel and touch. That is my solemn swear to you. You should know that I'm 1 for 2 in previously lying to people on their death bed, which is a great bating average, but horrible ERA.
I also promise that as far as you'll ever know, I'm only going to keep the 15% that you've mentioned. Everything will be done in Godly way for time essence.
My full names are Scamtastic. I live at 145 Maple Ave. Brooklyn, NY 11214. My phone number is 212-389-4483. Please call me after 11PM EST as I work late. I'm not sure what a certificate of deposit is, so please have your attorney let me know. I look forward to meeting both of you.
Thanks for your mail 2 Jun 2008.
I would want you to understand that the deposited consignment must first be cleared from the demurrage charges before you can authorise any kind of deduction or addition to the funds. And this will make bank tobank transfer/ courier of the funds to your door post possible.
I wonder why you can not come to Germany to conclude this transaction yourself. It will not take you more than two working days. 5Million Pound Sterling is no small money.
I will issue the letter of introduction and send you the Certificate of Deposit only on the ground that you are ready and willing to clear up the demurrage charges and meet up with all requirements. Once, a letter of introduction is issued, you will then be recognised as the new beneficiary to the deposit.
I will commence with issuance of the letter of Introduction and send the Certificate of Deposit which will make you the new beneficiary as soon as you let me know of your willingness to meetup with the requirements of the security
For the other pending transactions of yours, you are to send me all the details of the transactions, so that I can commence at once.
Mr. Will Jadome,
To clarify, I never said that I couldn't come to Germany. I said that I was no longer dating the Lufthansa pilot. I'm still with the British Airways pilot. Him and his brother fingercuffed me last night, so I should have about 34,000 Mile High Miles ™ in my account, which should easily get me anywhere I want to go. And I have plenty of vacation saved up at Funbags, the Hooters knockoff where I work, so the two days off won't be a problem either.
As for the 5Million Pound Sterling, I'm not sure how I will get it on the plane as they only allow for 50 pounds per bag. Even if I check two bags I'd still be 4,999,900 pounds short. Also, I only weight 118 pounds, so carrying that much will be a problem. Do you have a hand cart that I could borrow? Let me know if you don't know what that is. I've heard that you call elevators lifts, shopping carts trolleys, and refer to your President as King.
Please send me the Certificate of Deposit and the letter of introduction as soon as possible. My brother-in-law is in a heap of trouble with the law and I need the money to bail him out of jail. He's only 17, but is being tried as an adult, so they put him in prison instead of juvie. I made him a promise that I would bail him out before he got raped too much. So please send me the paperwork before someone forces him to do something unspeakable with his full, pouty lips and tight, hairless bottom.
Let me know if you need any more details.
Thanks for your mail dated 11th June 2008.
I suggest that you take to the option of online banking since third party will not be attended to by the finance company.
The demurrage charges is only 15,400.00EUR and I will send you payment instruction to at your request.
And also indicate your readiness and willingness to conclude this transaction, so I will send your all the relevant documents and contact details of the paying bank.
Should I proceed with the legal documentation?
I await your prompt response.
Mr. Will Jadome,
I don't bank online as I don't want my money to get a computer virus. But I spoke with my brother-in-law last night and he told me that the other prisoners have nicknamed him Jizz Receptacle. I need to get him out of there before he know longer craves the pleasures of womanly flesh. I already told him that we would throw him a Boobie party at Funbags when he gets out. That's where all of the waitresses line up and he gets to run his face down the line while singing, "Boobie party! Boobie party! I love Funbags bobbie parties!" So please send me the payment instructions and legal documentation as soon as possible.
Thanks for your mail dated 11th June 2008.
I have this morning commenced work on the legal documentation/ paper work. I shall be send you the letter of reference as soon as you are ready to conclude this transaction.
Here is the contact details of the security company below:
Contact: Jack Moore
Contact Mr. Jack by phone to ask any question regarding this transaction. Specifically ask him of the exact amount of demurrage charges. You have to call Mr. Jack and get back to me.
I await your prompt response.
Will Jadome told me to contact you and specifically ask for the exact amount of demurrage charges. I'm currently writing this from the computer in my local libary. Unfortunately, I am not able to call, because my phone was disconnected. In a previous email, Mr. Jadome had mentioned that it was 15.400EUR, so in order to save up money I decided not to pay a few bills. I guess my step-daughter Bethany will just have to avoid sugar this month, because it's either my Botox or her insulin injections and her diabetes ain't getting me bigger tips at Funbags. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it once I get the 5Million Pound Sterling!
Please let me know what I need to do to conclude this transaction. Thank you!
From: Standard finance & Securities (email@example.com)
I hereby acknowledge your mail dated 16/06/2008.
I would advice your to call me by phone so that we can discuss in details regarding the dmurrage charges and when you will be comimg Hamburg, Germany.
Here are the requirements:
1. Certificate of deposit
I await your call at Tel: 49 1745356022.
Mr. Jack Moore,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got back together with Gunter, the pilot from Lufthansa. Edwin, the British Airways pilot, was trying to charge me a yearly fee for my Mile High Miles ™. He claimed it was clearly written in fine print on my contract, but I signed it after he blew his first load in my face, which made it hard to read. Unfortunately, my miles wouldn't transfer, but Gunter was nice enough to book me a flight to Hamburg leaving next week.
The bad news is that somehow I have contracted a terrible case of throat herpes and my doctor has advised me not to talk for at least two weeks. Because of this, I would like to work out the details through email. I'm sure you understand.
I have all of the items below ready to go and traveler's checks for the 15,400.00EUR. Please let me know where we should meet next week in Hamburg. I arrive on June 25th and will be staying at the Holiday Inn. The address is listed below. I fly back out on June 29th and am hoping to do some sight-seeing and spend some of the money in your fine town before I go. Can you suggest any good places where I could wrap my mouth around some of your local wienerschnitzel?
Writing for this article is the property of Scamtastic.
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