Shrinking Hollywood

by Aurelio O'Brien

INT. PSYCHIATRIC OFFICE - HOLLYWOOD - DAY

HOLLYWOOD enters and flops on the couch, distraught.

Hollywood: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Doc.

Shrink: No problem.   What can I do to help you?

Hollywood: Well, I just can't seem to stop repeating myself.

Shrink: Go on...

Hollywood: Well, you know... I've always been a pretty popular guy, but for the past couple of decades it seems my charisma has waned.   Movie attendance keeps falling!   It scares me!   Now I only feel comfortable when I'm remaking every last film from the past fifty years over and over... and over...

The more desperate I get, the more I repeat myself...

Shrink: You... already said that.

Hollywood: I did...?

Shrink: Yes.   You just repeated the part about repeating yourself.

Hollywood: Damn!   I just can't seem to stop repeating myself...   Ugh!

Shrink: I've noticed.

Hollywood: You have...?   But... you're trained to do that... You don't think real people have noticed, do you...?

Shrink: Hmmm...   well...? Let's... get back to your problem.

Hollywood:Oh, yeah...   Well, it feels a little like I'm in that movie, Groundhog Day , you know?   Where the exact same thing happens over and over and o...   Hey! That's not a bad idea...!   I should make that one again! Hold on, let me write that down...

Groundhog Day ...   Nicole Kidman...

Shrink: Nicole Kidman...?

Hollywood: Did I say that out loud...?   Damn.   No wonder the other studios keep copying my casting ideas...

Shrink: Let's go back a moment.   What prompted you to see me today?

Hollywood: It's all on account of the strange dream I had last night...

Shrink: A dream...? Tell me about it.

Hollywood: Oh.   Sure, okay...Well, in the dream, Nicole Kidman comes into my office and pitches this idea of using computers to simply replace every actor's head in all the movies ever made with her own head. She thought it would save a lot of time...

Shrink: Interesting.   And how did you respond to that?

Hollywood: I told her I'd have my people get back to her people. Well, she's done so many remakes already that it hardly seems cost effective at this point, does it?

Hey, did you happen to see her in Bewitched ...?

Shrink: No.

Hollywood: Stepford Wives ...?

Shrink: Uh-uh.

Hollywood: The Invasion ...?

Shrink: Guess I missed those.

Hollywood: Well, she's always terrific!   I think I'm gonna put her in a Gone With The Wind remake next. Can't you just see it?! "Fiddle-di-dee..."

Shrink: Um hmmm...

Hollywood: Or... Dammit, did I already make that one with her again...? I've lost track...Oh well, no matter, a good movie always bears repeating more than a few times. Like Psycho . That was Nicole Kidman in that remake too... wasn't it...?

Shrink: I honestly don't know.   I didn't see the remake.

Hollywood: It was some blonde chick...   Oh well, anyway, if it wasn't her, it will be in the next remake.

Shrink: We're... getting off track here, Hollywood. Why don't you tell me about your childhood.

Hollywood: Not much there to say, really. Things were much simpler then, but surprisingly more productive.   Everything in black and white, and very soon I learned to talk... well, sing first, actually.   Then in my 30's and 40's I added color.   That was a creative time.   I was at the top of my game then.   Yup, there were years in there when I made as many as 800 films a year! Mostly originals too!

Last year I only made about 200 or so, and at least three quarters of those were remakes or sequels, TV show remakes, remakes of remakes, movies of Broadway musicals of movies of stage plays of movies...

Shrink: And... what do you make of all that?

Hollywood: Doc, I just can't stop repeating myself!

Shrink: We've established that.

Hollywood: Oh...yeah...Damn...You've gotta do something to make me stop...Help me out here.   What can I do, Doc?

Shrink: Well, why don't you simply break the cycle?   Make something... original?

Hollywood: Whoa...!   Let's not get carried away here!   I've been taking big enough risks making old TV shows into movies!   I don't know if I'm really up to the risky business of making something completely new, that hasn't ever been made somewhere else before.   Hey...Risky Business ... Nicole Kidman as the hooker with a heart...better make another note...Have you seen my new Underdog yet? There's a great butt-sniffing gag in it.   Hah-hah!   That cracks me up every time!

Shrink: Guess I missed that one.

Hollywood: I love these live action remakes of cartoons.   They don't have all that animation stuff getting in the way of the story.

Shrink: I'm seeing a definite pattern here, Hollywood. I'm sensing a lot of risk aversion. My advice to you is... you need to make something, anything, original.

Hollywood: Now look who's repeating himself... Sorry, but you're putting me out on a limb here!   I don't know how I'd even go about doing it anymore!

Shrink: So, you don't feel capable of making anything original?

Hollywood: It's been such a long time...And isn't "original" kind of a step backward...? Besides, with 300 II, Ace Ventura III, Beverly Hills Cop IV, Halloween X, and Star Trek XI in the works, I'm pretty swamped right now.

Hey, I've got it!   How about this? I'll make a totally original movie starring me , Hollywood, making nothing but remakes and sequels! That's it!   It's perfect! Brad Pitt can play opposite Nicole Kidman.We'll call it, Movie, Movie . Yeah, I like the sound of that, has a familiar ring to it...

The Producer at the Dentist

By Steve Moore

THE SCENE: A DENTIST'S OFFICE
A PRODUCER sits in an upright dentist's chair wearing a paper bib. A DENTIST enters.

Dentist: Good morning, Mr. P____. How is everything in cartoon land?

Producer: Great! We fired our director and hired two very famous sit-com writers to rewrite the movie. They cost a pretty penny, but its going to be hilarious.

Dentist: This is the animated Ol' Yeller, right?

Producer: Yeah. In the new version, Yeller doesn't get rabies, he gets gas.

Dentist: Hilarious.

Producer: It our new direction. I've got the board guys doing nothing but fart gags now. Butt humor test through the roof. We're even thinking of calling it Ol' Smeller.

Dentist: Teeth okay? Any problems?

Producer: Well, the old director said I have a hole in my head. Better check it out, doc.

Dentist (adjusting chair): Well let's just set you back....

Producer: I had a thought about that.

Dentist: About setting back the chair?

Producer: Yeah, I thought it'd be nice to set the chair over by the window.

Dentist: The chair is bolted to the floor.

Producer: So that's a problem?

Dentist: Its not movable.

Producer: Right. Well, could you bring the window closer? Thing is, I really like to look out the window.

Dentist: I'm afraid you're stuck with it the way it is.

Producer: Okay, well start exploring that idea.

Dentist sets the chair back.

Producer (now facing the ceiling): Now I can't see out the window at all.

Dentist: I need you like this to examine your teeth.

Producer: Does that lamp have to be up there? Its just that it's so bright. I mean, just throwing this out there, but a mirror would be nice, don't you think?

Dentist: No. Now open.

Producer: Aaaah. Aaaaaah.

Dentist: You don't have to say "Aah." Just open.

Producer: Say doc, do you have a hat? Our new director wears a cool hat, one of those porkpie hats, you know?

Dentist: No hat. Open.

Producer: Aaaah.

Dentist: No aah.

Producer: Sorry, my bad. I think you should get a hat. It'd make you more......I don't know......legit, I guess.

Dentist (pointing to framed diplomas on the wall): I'm afraid my diplomas will have to do.

Producer: A hat would be better.

Dentist: Open, please.

Producer: Just explore that idea, okay?

Dentist: Lots of tartar on these molars.

Producer: I like tartar sauce. Do you like tartar sauce?

Dentist: When did you last brush your back teeth?

Producer: There's teeth in the back?

Dentist: Uh huh.

Producer: Well move them up front where I can see them! What good is having teeth that no one can see?

Dentist: I can't just move them at will.

Producer: Kind of like the chair, huh? You're a great dentist, but frankly, you need to start thinking outside the box. Unless you want to spend your whole life working in a dentist's office.

Dentist: I'm a dentist.

Producer: Well you're certainly no producer! (gets up) Welp, I had better get back to editorial before they make too much progress. Mind if I use the restroom?

Dentist: Go right ahead.

The Producer urinates in the spit sink.

Dentist: What the hell are you doing, you idiot?

Producer: You'd be surprised at how often I hear that each day.

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